No No No No

With young children it seems that all we say to them is "No". While not actually true, we do tell them "No" a lot...and with good reason. A caveat: you should say "Yes" as much as possible and praise should be always on your lips but it is crucial for parents to say "No" a lot when children are young. Parents never like this and much too often placate their child but a major flaw in parenting today is the idea that "No" stunts you child's growth and development. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Giving in to your child's little demands creates a tyrant who cannot grow into a loving, caring, other centered person. They become trapped in their own world of unfulfilled desires. The wonderful thing about "No" to young children is that if you are consistent and loving all the "Yes" times, there will be much less need for "No" as they get older and dialog can begin to happen during conflicts instead of arguments. But...dialog when they are teens starts now when they are 12 months old learning that they are not in charge.

Ignoring Your Child

One of the fundamental hurdles to following Christ is realizing and making real that you are not the king of the universe, not on the throne, not in charge of your own life, that this is not a story about you, as Rick Warren says. This decision is difficult for parents due to its opportunity cost. When you attend to other people, you give up the opportunity to attend to your child. Though in reality, your attention to others is the exactly right and appropriate formation for your child. For parents of young children, this means that your child has to come fourth down your list of attention to needs. We really must keep things in order. You must love God first, of course, then comes your spouse. Your child must see the example of how love between two adults works in order for them to grow in that direction. In psychological studies on morality building, children grow morally if they are able to watch someone else make choices who is slightly more advanced than them morally. You are more than slightly beyond them, but in the simple everyday decisions at home, the choices are not beyond their scope and appreciation. Third in your attention is the world. It is invaluable for your child to see you serve others. You being a servant to them is nice but does not transfer to others - it instead reinforces in their ego-centric little hearts that they are the center. Sacrificing time and energy to go to the aid of others outside the family demonstrates that you are dying to self and submitting your life to a bigger story and Christ. Next then comes your child. This is indeed a hard concept because our instinct is to dote on our children, to make them happy, to bless them. But an inordinate attention to them is like placating them with candy when they are being unruly - a losing proposition and one that does not form but deforms.